Sunday, May 20, 2012

Excerpt from My Crazy Six Page Letter to My Favorite Dead Husband

Written while sitting in an empty (of live people) cemetery reposing upon a giant blue IKEA bag. Awesome hack, by the way. "Dear Brube, I am stretched on your grave and would lie here forever [insert strangled sob here] if we hadn't created these two amazing little human being beings that I still have to care for. Because, when they aren't with me, which is rare, I am drawn here to you. I can't be in the car alone and not come to you. I can't believe that it is Friday, May 18, 2012 and I am sitting. On. Your. Grave. The first time I came was shortly after you had been buried. I sank to the ground and sobbed, "Brubie, I miss you so much. I'm so sorry that I couldn't fix you. I tried so hard. I need to understand why you had to leave me. You are always the one who helps me figure these things out and now I'm alone. I need to understand!" It wasn't until two more visits that I realized I was actually talking to your feet. You would have enjoyed that. Let me keep talking to them without interrupting me. You would have waited until I was done and given me a slightly exasperated, good natured shake of your head. It took every ounce of my love for our children to resist the pull to dig down with my bare hands and rest my head on your shoulder (feet) and never get back up. I'm starting to lose track of my visits now. Perhaps this is number four or five. It doesn't matter. I gradually feel less inclined to burrow next to you. Partially because your body is not embalmed and you must be majorly uncuddlable by now. But, dammit, I still would give almost anything to rest my head, just one more time, upon your sweet shoulder like I did as you died, pausing, silently to stroke your beard until I was ready to get back up and live once more." There were a lot more strangled sobs that were not included in brackets. I am finding that strangled sobs are reluctant to be constrained by them. Love, The Widow Rosenstud

1 comment:

  1. Just outright sobbing at this post. I wish I could fix it all for you Julie. I'm sorry, we will not allow you to burrow down, we will, however, pick you up and wash your hands should you start and keep you uplifted. I love you xo <3